Nobody knows the programmes I’ve seen, nobody knows but Jesus (… and the New York Times TV critic, of course.)
We know it’s bad for us - we’ve been there, seen it and vomited all over our T-shirts. We’ve gone from American Idol through England’s Big Brother towards the insane, new world of Japanese TV quiz shows. We also know, if we’re honest that it will only get worse; probably much, much worse. So why not do the sane and merciful thing and just kill all of our TV’s. Let’s read a good book instead.
Of course, as Tammy Wynette already knew, Sometimes it’s hard to write a novel. Pamela Anderson found this out the hard way, when she had to hire a ghost writer to help her with, in her own words, all those hard things.
Well, at least she was brave enough to seek help and admit that she had a problem - just as Oprah always tells us to do. Talking of witch - sorry, which, the self-styled, goody-goody queen of remakes, self-help programmes and bare all confessionals now wants the world to know that she was shocked, I tell you, shocked, and deeply hurt when she heard that her own father is now writing a book of a bare all, confessional nature.
Our collective hearts bleed for her: you go suck a duck, girl!
There were more hard luck stories though, this week. Kinky Friedman once sang, They Ain’t Makin’ Jews Like Jesus Anymore. True - and the same goes for flying carpets, it seems. Still, that is small beer compared to the suffering of all those oppressed Christians. They really are having a hard time of it.
Whatever they try, people just don’t want to let Jesus come into their heart. According to an English prelate, 95% of Britons are on a fast boat to Hell. Christians are trying to reach out, of course but people are even less inclined to give up sinning than they’re willing to give up smoking, however bad both things are for body & soul and despite all those very helpful health warnings.
Other outreach projects have also not been all that successful - though the soldiers of the Lord won’t give up, of course. If at intelligent design you don’t succeed try for other, vaguely similar approaches.
They are trying - they are really trying to save all of us. With McJesus soul food, with born again theme parks and Adam & Eve museums. They have the Klan singing love songs - they have George Bush…
Well, maybe not. Like all good Christians George is really trying - but he’s not exactly helping the cause (any cause, to be honest but let’s stick to the subject at hand - for once.)
Oh, there was such gnashing of teeth this week, such wailing and rending of clothes - when George, holy George, of burning bush fame; the born again saint George, the deeply and decidedly humble George… did it again.
Remember, he once welcomed that evil garden gnome and unbeliever Putin as a personal friend - as he had once welcomed Jesus in his sinful heart. That in itself was bad enough but now, oh now master George had really gone for broke in this latest I’m with stupid & Follow that there pretzel routine.
No, it did not help the Christian cause at all, when it became known this week that Jesus had paid the prez another, late night visit, in the White House this time. Marvellous news, one would think, at first glance - and of great propaganda value.
Ah yes, but for the fact that George at first took the Man for Bin laden and then shot the crap out of the holy ghost.
Good ole George; he’s been winning the Britney (Oops… I did it again) Awards forever now, it seems.
As Second Comings go, this one was even less successful than the much hyped but slightly disappointing follow-up of that famous movie, Dick Cheney’s Sex Slave Massacre (part two.)
Ah well, as Nero said, while the Christian torches burned with shame, They’ll get over it, ‘m sure.
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