His Master’s voice
There’s a new biography of Walt Disney, describing him as an obsessive, workaholic bully. Apart from the workaholic bit, that would also be a fit epitaph for that most famous of ducks: Donald. In fact, most of the immensely popular Disney characters are rather creepy. The enthusiasms of Micky Rodent are vaguely repellent, while the teeth of his dog are profoundly worrying.
Whenever you see Micky (and his dog) in a domestic setting, you wonder what terrible secrets lie hidden in the attic: an old Waffen S.S. uniform, a collection of weird Victorian porn, real skeletons? And whenever the Mouse reaches for that old radio of his, you fully expect to hear a Fire & Brimstone rant from some mad, born-again mullah.
If uncle Walt were still alive and into rodents, the upgraded and digital-savvy Mouse would be a big fan of Godtube, no doubt – and would cackle madly when he read in the Republican Weekly or the Ducktown Patriot that some Godless scientists had blown up their lab, while researching the Big Bang.
(Mad aside: The Offal Office. Enter Dick Cheney with a festive looking, heart-shaped box. He gives the parcel to George Bush. No, it’s not a bomb – dream on: it’s Double Duh’s birthday. The president opens the box and out comes a Mickey Mouse T-shirt. The 43th president of the US of A is a Mouseketeer at heart – but then the Man looks like he should have been drawn by Disney anyway.)
Mouse and Man would probably love to share a platform, waxing sentimental about the No Child Left Behind programme – and then, at the end of the day, under their saved duvets, read the last instalment of the Left Behind series, where the chosen few thump their noses at the vast majority of people who now will burn in Hell for Four More Years, Four More Years, Four More Years – sorry: eternity.
In the long run, the Mouse will probably outlast the Man. Busloads of tourists are far more likely to go see the Seven Wonders of Swindon than come and gather at the dubious feet of some future Mount Bushmore.
(Mad photo finish: Mickey Mouse wearing a George Bush T-shirt, burning books in his backyard – all copies of the final, blasphemous Harry Potter book, of course, whilst singing Danny Boy in his original and very creepy Master’s voice.)
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