Glob-a-log

With only some four hundred shopping days left till the next presidential election all kinds of candidates and pressure groups are getting understandably nervous. One of these organisations is the very publicly secretive Council for National Policy. One of those guys who knows God’s first name founded it a quarter pounder of a century ago. That’s right: Reagan was in the White House, Thatcher ruled Britannia, so the Reverend Tim LaHaye concluded that it was high time for some CCC (Conservative Christian Council) to steer the USA even further to the right.

Which made perfect sense indeed. As the elder Bush had remarked when he was campaigning against Reagan in 1979: “We all know what kind of guy shot Lincoln.” Thatcher, of course, was a woman and in Reverend LaHaye’s Good Book women were only slightly less suspect than the snake that had tempted the Very First Lady in the Very First Place. So, both leaders definitely needed watching. After Reagan came Bush and after the protracted hiccups that were the Clinton years, came yet another Bush and all seemed to be well in the land of the CCC. As one Council member (secretly) said about the current president: “You don’t even have to set fire to this Bush for God to speak through him.”

Right now though the CCC is sorely troubled, for where in the name of the Trinity is their Bush Mark Three? Well, that’s the rub – or revelation: he ain’t there. On the one hand you have New York’s mayor: a thrice married, cross-dressing, pro-choice son of a mobster. On the other you have a guy who was actually liked by liberals and who, last time round, ran on an anti-Falwell, anti-CCC platform. These two candidates certainly would not pass the Council’s trusted litmus test: Would John Birch have wanted either of them as a son-in-law?

Still, the CCC is not an organisation that accepts defeat gracefully. So, if there is no logical choice, no natural Christian warrior to gather round and support, there is always faith - and faith’s second cousin: good old conversion. Drive drunk, sniff cocaine and get stopped by the highway patrol? Say, Hallelujah, praise the Lord, I’ve seen the light. You might think the CCC crowd would be tough on sinners – and they are, up to a certain fiscal level, but they are also suckers for a good conversion. Go ask the non-burning Bush and he will tell you it works like a charm, every single time.

There is this little thing the CCC calls secondary virginity. It’s what happens when someone who is no longer strictly speaking a virgin, suddenly wants to impress Jesus by having no more sex till he or she is safely married. This born again virginity seems to be quite popular with high school kids these days and this coming election it could also mean salvation for the CCC – or at least for some designated Council champion. So, enter master McCain and enter chief Giuliani and let the best man enter the river Jordan and be cleansed. Raise him head and shoulders above the crowd, let the confetti rain like dandruff and let all those nubile cheerleaders for Jesus, virgins all - be it secondary or truly immaculate - chant and wear proud T-shirts, loudly reading that You have always one last chance to make a first impression!

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This entry was posted on Sunday, March 11th, 2007 at 12:00 and is filed under Columns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.